Dustin's Neat Blog

Dear Faget

2011-04-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'd like to share with you a letter that I found in my scrap book. I wrote it to my brother Scott after a road trip where he had harrassed me for liking gay things. I think I was 12? I made him read it out loud the other night at dinner and it was absolutely inredible.

If you can't see the letter, it says...

Hey faget,

You can't control my life, I'll do whatever I want when-ever I want you can't tell me what to do because I'll do it anyways. I LOVE the Spice Girls, (Girl Power) I like Hanson MMMBop. It sure seams to me like you can't control me. Oh, and I'm gonna collect spoons. I like spoons ok so don't talk to me cause I'm not gonna talk to you OK got that Scotty Potty???

Dustin

PRICELESS

Delightfully Queer

2011-04-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

From an early age, I loved stuffed animals. How gay is that?
"Dustin & The Bears"

My lovely collection on display

Dustin, Lamb Chops, and Grandma Gin

I was wayyyyy too mature to make funny faces for photos. So I just rolled my gay little eyes, while holding my Barney stuffed animal.

Nature or nurture?

2011-04-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of debate on whether gayness is nature or nurture. Is it innate or is it a choice? Here are a few pics of me as a gay child. It obviously wasn't a choice for me...

I'll be posting more pics of me as a little queer as time goes on. For you straight people, I have a question: When did you choose to be straight?

Jesus said love mullets

2011-04-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

So it's Saturday night and I'm sitting here coloring in my Bible Jumbo Coloring & Activity Book. I can't help but notice that these sheep look like they have mullets:

What the hell?

You may be wondering who in my family got blessed with the artistic genes, as it clearly wasn't me. It was my cousin Casey. He lives in Berlin and is a badass artist. You can see his work here.

Also, can we talk about NASCAR and how I think it's pointless and boring? I accidentally had the TV on and watched the entire Kroger 250. Men in fast cars drove 250 miles and didn't even go any where. They drove in a circle 250 times. There were commentators discussing their moves, there were instant replays, and there were thousands of people getting dizzy watching all of this. Can someone please explain to me how this is fun/entertaining?

Mammy

2010-11-30T06:44:00.000-08:00

Probably when you look at me, you see a young, healthy man.

But on the inside, I'm really a boring, old woman. You may think "What? That's weird!" And my answer is, "Yeah. It's really weird."

Reasons why I'm a boring, old woman:

1. I am obsessed with Wheel of Fortune. It's the only thing I ever DVR. I am a member of the Wheel Watchers Club. I'm still waiting for my $50,000 reward from Sony. Damn it, Pat Sajak. You're failing me! And so are your hair plugs.

2. I love doing puzzles. I'm not talking about online brain teasers or murder mysteries. I'm referring to JIGSAW PUZZLES. For a long time, I had no kitchen table. I mean, who needs a kitchen table when you have a living room sofa? However, I'm not sure if you've tried this or not, but it's quite tough to do a jigsaw puzzle on a soft surface. I do not recommend it. So I bought a kitchen table for the sole purpose of doing puzzles. Although, I did eat at the table once (while doing a puzzle).

3. Postcards. I send more mail than anyone I have ever met in all of my lives (sometimes I pretend that I believe in reincarnation in order to make my powerful statements more powerful). I am a member of a postcard community called Postcrossing. To date, I have sent 325 postcards and I have received 315 postcards. Grandma.

4. I write complaint letters to companies in hopes of getting free shit. I don't like to brag, but I've received a lot of coupons for free yogurt and free coffee creamer. I had a first recently though. I complained to International Delight about how difficult it is for me to open their single-serving coffee creamers.

They quickly sent me an email apologizing for the inconvenience and stated that I would receive something in the mail in 3-5 days. And boy did I! I got a check. Jealous?

Now I face a dilemma: is it worth my time to go to the bank to deposit a $3 check? Answer: doi.

So, if you'd like to refer to me as ABUELA from here on out, by all means, please do.

Also, if I was really a grandma I think my name would be Mammy Libby.

Magazines

2010-07-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

What the hell is wrong with magazines?

Does the editor of a magazine think I have all day to read through a magazine to find the article featured on the cover? Let me take you through the mini panic attack that I experience while in line at the grocery store.

5:07:12- I spot "Backpacker Magazine"
5:07:16- Browsing the cover, I see the headline "The World's 10 Best Hikes"
5:07:18- Internal dialogue: "I want to know what the 10 best hikes are."
5:07:22- I reach for the magazine.

The first page of the magazine is an advertisement.
The second page of the magazine is an advertisement.
The third page of the magazine is an advertisement.

5:07:30- I get annoyed and quickly flip through the magazine to see if I magically find the article.
5:07:32- An insert falls onto the ground.
5:07:37- As I reach down to grab the insert, the person in front of me moves about 2 feet forward in line.
5:07:40- I begin to panic and move forward in line. I want to know where the best hikes in the world are!!!
5:07:45- I try again to flip through the magazine to find the words "BEST HIKES"
5:07:48- I get stuck in the center of the magazine, where an insert is stapled in. I try to tear it out along the perforation, but it just rips, leaving a piece of paper too small to rip out.
5:07:51- Defeated, I go back to find the index.
5:07:52- Advertistements
5:07:53- Advertisements
5:07:54- INDEX!
5:07:55- I browse through the titles...I see no mention of the title I saw on the cover of the magazine. I study the titles to see if there's something similar, but not exactly the same.
5:08:23- I move forward in line a few more feet. I am next in line. I am panicking. I want to read the damn article. Now what do I do? I can't go back and put the magazine back because there are people in line behind me now. I can't just put the magazine back where it doesn't belong because the cashier can see me.
5:08:25- I take one last attempt to find the article by flipping going about 3/4 of the way through the magazine, approximately to page 75. That's usually where the good stuff is, right? I find it. I FIND IT! I see the #10 best hike in the world. I begin reading all about Via Ferrata, which is located in Italy. Wow this seems like a great hike!
5:08:59- "Did you find everything alright?" The cashier is asking me questions while I am CLEARLY busy. Intrigued and pissed off, I throw the magazine on the counter and buy it.

CURSE YOU, marketing team of "Backpacker Magazine." You win this time.

Green Thumb?

2010-07-07T15:47:00.000-07:00

Gardening in the sweltering Phoenix heat isn't meant for amateurs (me). A few months ago when I was planting my garden, I saw that artichokes grow in Phoenix during the summer. So I planted some! They fried in the sun. I picked them anyway and put them on my counter because, well, I could. Damn it! After a few days, something weird happened...

The artichoke bloomed, Little Shop of Horrors-style. Apparently I'm a terrible gardener, but a stellar florist!

Excuse me...Charles?

2010-02-18T15:38:00.001-08:00

I've always loved the name Charles. Growing up, I despised my parents for naming me Dustin Charles, rather than Charles Dustin. Dustin is unique and rare, which is perhaps why I hated it. Charles is so...refined and British. You almost need to puff up your chest a bit when you say it. Charles.

How many people do you know named Dustin? Probably not very many. I've met maybe...3 or 4 in my life. They've all been ugly. What about all those famous Dustins? Well there are 2 of them.
Dustin Hoffman:

And Dustin Diamond. Oh does the name not ring a bell? Let me fill you in. Remember Screech from Saved by the Bell?

Or perhaps you may remember him more recently from Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling?

See...Dustins are real winners. Obviously.

Do you remember in Elementary school on the first day of class when your teacher would have the red and white bubble sheet for attendance? They would call out the names of everyone on the roster. Before calling out the names, though, they would say something like "If you prefer to be called something else, just let me know." I always preferred to be called something else, but I never had the balls to say something. Everyone knew me as DUSTIN, not Charles. Rebecca Alston tried it when she was in 5th grade. For a year she went by Becky, then in 6th grade, everyone reverted back to their old ways and she was known as Rebecca from then on. It just doesn't work. You have to establish that kind of drastic name change in 1st grade or you will be unsuccessful.

As you can see, I've thought long and hard about this. When I publish my first book, I will use the name D. Charles McLaws. That's a power name if I've ever heard one. On a similar note, if I ever become a drag queen, I will call myself Dee Shar (a gayer version of D. Charles).

At this point in my life, I'm content with my name, as long as you don't try to call me "Dusty." Disgusting. That name gives me the creeps. I feel like if my name is Dusty, I should have red hair and live in a trailer somewhere in Alabama. I'm not a ginger and I've never been to the state of Alabama, so please refer to me as Dustin. Or I will slap you in the throat region. ELL OH ELL JK. Maybe.

Ok, so I lied. Some people refer to me as Charles. These people work in the service industry. When I get coffee at Starbucks, I always tell them that my name is Charles. You may ask why? Well, one reason is because I can. Another reason is because whenever I say "Dustin," people think I'm saying "Justin." The conversation usually goes something like this:

Barista: Can I get something started for you?
Dustin/Charles: I'll take a double tall vanilla latte.
Barista: And what's the name on that?
Dustin/Charles: Dustin.
Barista: Justin?
Dustin/Charles: No. DDDDDDDDDDDDDustin.
Barista: Justin? What? I'm sorry, the espresso machine is loud.
Dustin/Charles: Nevermind, just...Charles.

I skip the hassle and just say "Charles" now. It's next to impossible to emphasize the consonant "d." Try it.

That, my friends, is why I go by Charles at Starbucks. This plan is not fool proof, unfortunately. A barista in Los Angeles recently decided to change me from a refined British man into a black man:

I like to pronounce it "chuh-relz."

Sincerely,
Dustin/Charles/D. Charles/Dee Shar/Charels.

PS if I was a black woman, my name would be Kyneesheqweeniah

Misinterpretation

2010-01-10T14:15:00.000-08:00

"I'm a sign language interpreter." I say that a lot. I interpret this to mean "I am a person who has a career as an American Sign Language interpreter for people who are deaf and hard-of-hearing." Others interpret that to mean "I flail my hands about for people who can't hear." However, most of the people I encounter interpret this to mean "I would like to hear every story about every person you've ever known who has any link to sign language, deafness, blindness, or Braille."

NEWS FLASH: Helen Keller was deaf and blind. I work with people who are only deaf. I know nothing about blindness, Braille, or service animals. If I tell you that I'm an interpreter, don't ask me if I know Braille or why there is Braille on the buttons at the drive-thru ATM. Your uneducated guess is as good as mine. Do, however, continue to tell me Helen Keller jokes. Those are pretty funny.

Now back to my main point. People generally feel a strong desire to tell me something like "Oh really? My granddaughter is learning sign language in kindergarten." I, feeling obligated to say something nice and professional, generally say something like "Oh wow that's really great. She should keep it up and become an interpreter." When really I want to say "Wow, I really could not care less about your granddaughter or what she's learning in kindergarten. As a matter of fact, I'm pushing my limits by pretending that I even care about this conversation." Or "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

For the millionth time, American Sign Language is used in the United States of America and various other parts of the world such as Guam, Puerto Rico, Canada, some African countries, etc. Sign language is NOT universal. Signed languages emerge naturally and change with time, just as spoken languages do. There's British Sign Language, Australian Sign Language, Mexican Sign Language, German Sign Language, Chinese Sign Language, Israeli Sign Language...

If, when I tell you I'm a sign language interpreter, you say "Huh?" and then laugh, I hate you. I hate you more than I hate Madonna fans and seafood. I want to slap you right across the face. And then kick you in the throat region. Good answer, you. I've never heard that one before. It is a well-thought out response. It's very original and it's VERY funny.

Another response that I frequently receive is "Oh I used to know sign language." No you didn't. You never knew sign language. I have no doubt in my mind that you knew how to fingerspell the alphabet. But I bet you struggled every time you got to "L M N O P." Most people do. You know how children generally just mumble through that part when they're learning the alphabet? Yeah, like that. Just because you knew some signs doesn't mean you knew sign language. If that's the case, then I know about 10 languages. And I am fluent. Just as fluent as you are in sign language.

So, next time someone tells you they're a sign language interpreter, do them a favor and give them a one word answer such as "neat!" They'll appreciate it.

Oh lookie!

2009-09-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

On Labor Day, Gabe and I took a little road trip to Pecos National Historical Park (longest name ever). Actually, I took a road trip. Gabe napped. At the park were some ruins from the Pecos Pueblo. I believe the ruins were from the 1600s. Or something like that...?

We saw this sign along the trail:

I believe it's a typo. It should have said "TRAIL CLOSED."

Oh look who it is!

The kiva (underground room with the ladder) was made recently and we were allowed to go down into it!

After we got back to the trailhead, we went into the gift shop and it started POURING rain. Perfect timing. We then decided to go explore a little bit. Ok, what really happened was we missed the exit for the freeway, which turned into exploration. Along the way, we found the Pecos River...

which is more like a creek. We then found this pretty old church.

And finally, we stumbled upon this...

which is where the Catholic church likes to send the child molestors! Que fun!
After lunch at this freaking adorable restaurant in Santa Fe...

(pay no attention to the hideous look on my face).
Our last stop was the Santa Fe Ski Basin, which is located at 12,053 feet above sea level. It was nice and cool up there (63 degrees) and the view was beautiful. From up there, you could see Santa Fe and the Sandia Mountains wayyyy off in the distance.

After a nice long day, we headed back to the Duke City (aka Albuquerque) to get ready for the glorious 4 day work week!

Isn't it Ironic?

2009-09-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

So, I'm at work. And there are no spoons. So I ate my yogurt with a plastic knife.

Do you remember the Alanis Morissette song "Ironic"?

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife."

Yeah, Alanis. It is like that. Except opposite.

Introducing Mariah...

2009-09-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

oh wait...not that Mariah...

this Mariah...

Mariah Elle McLaws:

She was born August 26 (or maybe 27?), and I was going to buy a plane ticket for some time in October to make a trip to Arizona to meet her, but I couldn't stand it so I drove to Arizona 2 days after she was born so I could meet that little precious piece of pie.

Amazingly cute. The baby isn't bad looking either, eh? Also, I would like to let you know that I had NOTHING to do with her being named Mariah. In fact, Scott and Becca were considering NOT naming her Mariah becuase of Mariah Carey's reputation (i.e. a skanky whore). At any rate, I'm automatically the favorite uncle becuase of the whole name thing. And because I'm gay, which means I will buy her the cutest presents ever. SUPERRRRR.

Congrats, Scott & Becca.

John William Smith stole my car! Wait, no...

2009-08-27T09:12:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure if this is real...and, quite frankly, I don't care. It makes me laugh.

Oh, Google.

(Sorry the photo is blurry. It's a screen shot of someone who googled "White people stole my car" and on the results page, Google said "Did you mean: black people stoly my car?")

2009-08-24T17:34:00.001-07:00

Why I love the gym...

2009-08-20T02:11:00.000-07:00

The following are the top 10 reasons I love going to the gym:

10. The spin instructor who hits on me, even though he knows I have a boyfriend.

9. Making friends with people wearing U of A shirts. Similarly, making enemies with people wearing ASU shirts.

8. Secretly laughing at people wearing their sunglasses INSIDE the gym. "OH MY LORDY IT'S SO BRIGHT IN HERE!!!!!!!! "

7. Making fun of myself because, after going to my gym for 2.5 years, I found a shortcut. It saves me a good...7 minutes each way. GOOD JOB DUSTIN.

6. Staring at the PeeWee Herman look-a-like with the head that is WAY too big for his body.

5. Actually working out and feeling good

4. Laughing when people say I go to the "gay gym." Really? All gyms are gay.

3. Pausing my iPod to listen in on the conversations of others.

2. Gagging when I see the woman in my Monday morning spin class wearing a tank top without a bra. Listen...I'm sure you could do that in your 20s and 30s. Probably even your 40s. Those years and come and gone, lady. Your breasts are more like anchors now...heading South. And every time you spin, they jiggle. And every time they jiggle, I gag. I will buy you a bra. 34C?

1. Laughing at the dancing girl, who we have named Satan's Ballerina. She resembles Xena. Here is a photo that I took:

The picture is bad, but you get the idea. Now I will tell you why she is Satan's Ballerina. She dances between each set. She stands up, closes her eyes, and does a few ballet moves. You know...just a quick Pas de bourrée...pencil turn....followed by a Sissonne fermée. Very elegant...very divine...VERY CREEPY. I stare at her constantly...waiting with bated breath for her next performance! Now, let me tell you why she's creepy. I personally feel like she was kicked out of Juilliard becuase she tried to perhaps...murder a professor? Or maybe she tried to sleep with her married professor and she got put on academic probation, then left, determined to MAKE IT as a dancer. She creeps me out. This morning I was doing sit ups and I shot right up after my last set and she was staring at me. Like in a scary movie. There should have been a violin playing dramatic, scary music. I despise her. I love her. If she ever finds out that I took a photo of her (or wrote this blog), she will probably slash my tires or skin my body. Or both.

SUPERRRRR

2009-08-20T01:53:00.001-07:00

Every time I do laundry (which is literally 5+ times per week), I see this:

and I have to say, in a really really really gay voice, "SUPPERRRR!!!!" You know which voice I'm talking about. You've heard it. And it is hilarious.

Obsessed

2009-07-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Everyone That I know:

Here is a picture of Mariah Carey on the set of her new music video:

Long story short, she's hotter than you will ever be.

Sincerely,
Dustin

PS here's the video if you want to see her "multiple personalities":

Chimayo

2009-06-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, Gabe and I took a road trip to Chimayo (1.5 hours North of Albuquerque) to see the Santuario de Chimayo. It was a pretty drive and it was raining like HELL. I could barely see anything. Luckily, we found the church:

The church is famous for the "healing dirt" that people can touch and take with them. It has healing powers. People who get "healed" often leave their crutches behind. I broke the rules and took a pic inside the church...

All of those silver things are crutches. Oh, placebo effect. How you amuse me. I wonder how the church feels about being a repository for peoples' crap that they no longer need.

I guess touching the dirt (yes, I touched it) stopped the rain...and I was able to get a picture with some sun in it. Que bonita!

Hey, if nothing else, it's pretty.

Sky City

2009-06-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I took an unplanned road trip to the Acoma Pueblo, about 1.5 hours West of Albuquerque. This Native American Pueblo is very unique because the old village is built at the top of a rocky mesa (plateau). The area is known as Sky City.

In this picture, you can see the village up at the top of the mesa.

There are approximately 500 homes up there. The homes have no electricity and no running water. Consequently, only 9 or 10 families reside up there year-round. Others use their home as a summer home or vacation home. I don't know about yours, but my vacation home will definitely have running water and electricity.

This is a picture of the old Catholic church at the top of the mesa. It was completed in 1640.

These are the North-facing ladders leading to the entrances to the kivas (holy buildings).

This is the view of the valley floor just South of the mesa.

Imagine waking up to this view every day!

Conjoined Things

2009-06-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

If you don't know what this is, you can ignore it.

Happy Birthday to my favorite twins, Ashley and Lindsey (Ashlex and Kindrew).

Phone A Friend

2009-05-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been having a relentless craving for diet soda. The only thing that makes my craving go away is drinking more diet soda. But drinking more diet soda makes me want more diet soda. It's really bad and I have a feeling it's making me fat. So there I was at work and I was craving a diet soda. I was on my lunch break so I had the great idea of walking over to ( K ) (Cirle K) to get a diet soda.

Before I continue with my story, I should tell you a little bit about the parking garage at work. I'm not exactly sure why, but it seems to be the central meeting location for Albuquerque's drug dealers, drug users, emo skateboarders, hoodlums, and prostitutes. I don't understand it though; this office building is in a nice area. Hell, we are right next to the Mormon Cannery and Mission Office. They don't put that stuff in crappy locations, that's for sure! I have caught people making out in the parking garage and one coworker saw 2 people having sex in there once. So, with that said, I will carry on with my story.

There is a ( K )/McDonald's about 20 yards from where I work, so I decided to walk over there to get a Diet Dr. Pepper. Oh, Sweet Soda Jesus. As I walked out of the building, I saw a girl sitting on a bench by the entrance to the building. I quickly pulled out my cell phone so I would look busy so she wouldn't talk to me. As I got closer to her, I noticed that she wasn't just a girl...she was a coked-out prostitute! Cute! So I walk by texting away looking busy/important and she looks up at me, with tears in her eyes and goupy mascara all over her face. This is the conversation we had: (COP stands for "Coked Out Prositute")

COP: Can I use your cell phone?
Me: Uh...I don't have one.

I was hoping that she was too coked-out to notice that I did have a cell phone and that it was in my hands. What if I had said "yes" and she just took it and just ran? Or if she just shoved it up her naughty bits? That would be so weird.

Needless to say, after I got my large Diet Dr. Pepper, I had to walk the LONG WAY back to the office to avoid the COP.

My obsession=Craigslist

2009-05-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

Sure, I've used craigslist to browse vehicles for sale and houses for rent. But after all of the hype with the CRAIGSLIST KILLER (aka 22-year-old medical student Phillip Markoff), I wanted to explore what ELSE was available on craigslist. Although there is no longer an "Erotic Services" category (because bitches were bein' murdered, na'mean?), there are many...interesting categories. While browsing, I came across my new favorite thing in the world: "Missed Connections." This is where people make a post in an effort to find their soul mate that they SAW at the store/MVD/jail, but were too nervous to approach.

While browsing the ads in the "Women for Men" section, Craigslist Jesus blessed me with a GEM titled "downtown holding cell officer." The post goes as follows: "it was april 26th late at night and you were the hott officer who drove everyone to mdc from the holding cell, i was in a striped plaid light blue shirt, you remember, you gave me a piece of candy. i know you wanna see me again. lol "

Wow. First of all: CLASSY. And he gave her candy? What the hell? How old is she? Also, was her shirt striped or plaid? Oh, both. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

I wish posters were required to post a picture. I assume THIS one would look something like this:

Just imagine that she's wearing a striped plaid light blue shirt.

Open Letter

2009-05-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Snake That I Encountered on Pino Trail in The Sandia Mountains-

WHY THE HELL WERE YOU LAYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAIL THIS MORNING? I was enjoying a leisurely hike and nearly had a HEART ATTACK when I saw you. I thought you were going to kill me. SERIOUSLY. You were literally 12 inches away from my foot. And then I walked away slowly and you just stared at me and I DID NOT LIKE IT. I am requesting that you no longer sunbathe on the trail while I'm hiking.

Sincerely,
Dustin

Flying

2009-05-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

Ever since security became more strictly enforced after 9/11, flying has been a hassle at times. For short, domestic flights, there are rarely issues. But when flying internationally or on longer domestic flights, flying can surely be a bitch.

Today I had three flights: Hamburg to Amsterdam, Amsterdam to Minneapolis, and Minneapolis to Albuquerque. My first flight of the day was delayed by about 20 minutes, and I was praying to the Travel Jesus that I would miss my connecting flight in Amsterdam so I could spend the night at a nice Amsterdam hotel, on Northwest Airlines’ dime. When I arrived in Amsterdam, I was planning on running to my gate to just see if I could make my flight on time. Well, as I was getting off the plane, I realized that we were no where near the terminal! We had to walk down some stairs and take a shuttle to the terminal. I was secretly excited, hoping that this would further delay me, making me late for my flight. I cleared customs in Amsterdam and, unfortunately, made it to my flight with time to spare.

When I got to the gate, I was shocked to see that I would have to go through security again and answer a laundry list of questions including, but not limited to:

- How many bags do you have?

- Whose baggage are you carrying?

- Who packed your bags for you?

- How did you get your bags to the airport?

- Have your bags been in your sight consistently since you packed them?

- Do you have any electronics with you? If so, what?

I don’t know about you, but I’m always so tempted to give silly answers to these questions or to just yell the word “BOMB.” For example:

- Whose bags are you carrying? Oh, to be honest, I am not sure to whom they belong. Some random man in a turban asked me to carry for him. Since I believe in karma, I said “yes.”
- Who packed your bags for you? The man in the turban, of course!
- Do you have any electronics with you? BOMB!

In addition to asking these questions, I was forced to surrender the bottle of water that I had just purchased for my 9 hour flight. I think if they’re going to force me to give up my bottle of water, they should replace it with a bottle of water once I get to my seat. Instead, I am given a 6 oz glass of water. Thanks, Northwest Airlines.

Once in the air, flight attendants came around passing out customs paperwork that everyone has to fill out, though non-American citizens have to fill out different paperwork. Shortly after I filled out the documents, I popped 3 Tylenol PM and the rest of the flight was a blur or sleep, Sudoku, and playing Bejeweled on the in-flight entertainment center. Oh, I also remember that Mariah’s CD “The Ballads” was available for my listening pleasure. What a pleasure it was, indeed. The flight wasn’t full and I had the whole row to myself. GLORIOUS.

While still in the plane after I had landed in Minneapolis, I turned on my cell phone and began reading texts/emails. I deplaned and began walking to customs when someone said to me, “TURN OFF YOUR CELLULAR TELEPHONE.” This made me laugh a little bit, and I did as I was told. When I get to the counter at customs, I was again grilled with questions about where I went, what I did, with whom I interacted, and how long I had been gone. On the customs form, there’s a line asking for the dollar amount of merchandise being brought into the United States. I wrote $30 on that line. The man asked me what I had purchased for $30. I said, “Um…I have pens, a magnet, and a coffee mug.” Again, I wanted to say something inappropriate like, “Just some weed that I scored up in Amsterdam.”

Once in the Minneapolis airport, I enjoyed the longest layover of all of my lives. Sometimes I like to pretend that I believe in reincarnation to exaggerate my point. So, in all of the lives that I have ever lived, this was my longest layover. I landed in Minneapolis around 3:30pm and my flight to Albuquerque didn’t depart until 9:15pm. In order to snap out of my Tylenol PM-induced coma, I drank a latte with extra espresso. I successfully wrote four blogs, sent many emails, returned texts to those to whom I hadn’t responded while I was out of the country, and ate food with far too many calories.

After what seemed an eternity in the freezing cold Minneapolis airport, my flight boarded for an “on time” departure. I’m not sure what their idea of “on time” is, but, to me, 15 minutes late does not qualify as “on time.” I was relieved to see that this flight was not full and I had some room to get comfortable. After take off, I wanted to get out my laptop to write a blog about my flying experiences. When, all of the sudden, the woman in front of me invaded my precious personal space by reclining her seat. Bitch. I love what Laurie Notaro writes about reclining your seat in an airplane. Like Notaro, I believe it should be a mutual agreement involving a written contract. If I don’t agree to you reclining and consuming my space, you may not do it. In fact, I believe there should be two buttons: one for each of us. If I think it’s ok for you to recline your seat, then I will push the button and if you later want to recline, you may do so by pushing your button. BUT your button will only work if I’ve already pushed my button, giving you consent to recline.

So I realized that it would be tough for me to use my laptop with the bitch’s chair reclined. So I picked up my bag and walked to the back of the plane where there were 2 empty rows. I was about to sit down when the bleach-blonde flight attention yelped, “those are reserved.” “Reserved?” I thought. Reserved for whom? We are already in the air. Are we expecting more passengers on this flight? I began explaining my situation to her: “You see, I would like to use my laptop, but the woman in front of me has reclined her seat, leaving me with an insufficient amount of space to…” She interrupted me saying “I’m sorry, you may not sit there.” I wanted to say, “Ok, well thanks. Oh, and your roots need a touch up.” Instead I made my way back to my seat, defeated by the Midwestern MILF with bad roots.

So here I am, about an hour later. Cramped and writing on my laptop. Making do with what I have left after the bitch in front of me stole my laptop’s playground. And, as I look back, I see that the 2 rows are as empty as empty can be. If only I had a $6 box of Loreal “Sun Kissed Blonde” bleach to give to the flight attendant.

LOL

2009-05-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

I have to post this picture.

I had just finished having coffee (you can see the coffee house to the left) and I was walking back to my hotel when I passed this wall with these porn posters. I stopped to take a picture of the posters because you would never see anything like that in Albuquerque. Right as I was about to take the picture, Baby German Jesus decided to make my day by having this little girl ride by on her bike and look at the posters. Amazing. Europeans are desensitized to this stuff!

More things that make me giggle

2009-05-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

Not big, but...

I ate all 4 of these Turkish desserts. They were so good and so sweet. I wanted to vomit, then eat more.

I looked for the restaurant, but couldn't find it. Turns out the restaurant doesn't exist, either.

I love how they say "HALLO" here...and look at Murat's doormat!!!

Sleazy Sheezy

2009-05-06T16:21:00.000-07:00

After the concert, I met up with my new friend Murat so he could show me the Hamburg nightlife. We started our journey a little after midnight. The first place he wanted to go to was a party that is held the first Saturday of every month…and where was the party?? You guessed it. In the good ol’ bunker! We got to the bunker, only to find out that the party had been held on THURSDAY. You see, I chose an interesting time to come to Germany. On May 1st, Germans celebrate May Day. As if Germans need another excuse to drink beer. Supposedly this is a day where Germans get happy and drink a lot and, consequently, have violent riots where people die. I saw on the news that there had been riots, but I never saw any. Long story short, most Germans partied hard on Thursday night (April 30), so we missed the party.

We decided to take the subway (S-Bahn? U-Bahn? Tube? I’m going to pretend they’re all the same thing) to the Reeperbahn, the sleazy street about which I already wrote. Murat wanted to walk, but since my cute shoes weren’t comfortable, we took the U-S-Tube-way? Can I just call it that? It’s all for fashion, right ladies (and European men)??? En route to the other club, Murat wanted to stop at ____ to say hi to a friend who works there. His friend ended up not being there, but I am glad we went, because I was able to snap this amazing photo.

“And cruising.” For those of you who don’t know what “cruising” means in the gay world, it means going to a place frequented by gay men with the intent of finding a sex partner. I know that a lot of gay men cruise, and that is their prerogative. But I have never seen a business condone it, let alone SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. You want to cruise? Come here!

The next club we went to was packed. Like sardines. Or, as Ellen DeGeneres would say, like pickles. We could hardly walk through the crowd to order drinks. It was INSANE. I had never seen anything like it before. Needless to say, we didn’t stay long.

We walked around for a bit and Murat began describing to me a hidden alley through which only men are allowed. After hearing a few words about it, I knew that I HAD to see it. He had never seen it, so I made him go with us. Let me describe this alley to you. You have to go through a little passage way to enter and, once you’ve crossed the great barrier, you are forever a changed person. Along each side of the alley were windows. I would say they were approximately 50 windows on each side. And in each window was a chair. And in each chair was a prostitute. These prostitutes were either naked or scantily clad! If you wanted to “negotiate” and perhaps “work with” one of these women, you had to approach their window. If they were also interested in “doing business” with you, they would open their window for you, in order to discuss the fees for….services. A few of them opened their windows and tried to talk to us. I wasn’t interested in doing business with these women so I just blew them kisses and went on my merry way. I asked Murat if what they were doing was legal, and he said YES. Oh, Hamburg. Why are you so sketchy? I don’t remember the name of the alley, but since I have been in Germany for a week now, I supposed I can try to make a name for said alley. Prostitütburgßen. There we are. I wanted SO BADLY to take a picture of all of the prostitutes, but I knew really bad things would happen to me if I tried. I wanted one of the hidden cameras that they use on "Dateline." I was, however, able to snap this photo of a prostitute talking to potential "clients":

By this point it was nearly 4am and I was tired. Murat recommended we go to the famous Fischmarkt (fish market), but since I was so tired and because I abhor fish more than I can express via writing, I opted to go to my hotel room instead so I could sleep.

Sia concert

2009-05-06T15:56:00.000-07:00

Move over Mariah, there's a new woman in my life.

OK I TOTALLY REGRET SAYING THAT MARIAH. I AM SORRY. I LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE STILL MY #1 WOMAN.

Anyway, I was so excited to go see Sia in the concert. She is the reason I went to Germany! I had asked a few locals if they had heard of the venue in which the concert would take place, and none of them had heard of it. Why? Because it was in an old World War II bunker:

With a bitch of a staircase to the concert hall:

When I got to the concert hall, it was an hour before the show was to start and there were not very many people there. And I was alone, which was slightly awkward. So I just went to the bathroom to eat up some time. After peeing for oh....5 minutes, I decided that I had to go out and face the crowd. I went to the bar to order a drink and there was a sweet-looking girl standing at the bar next to me. I asked her if she spoke English, and she replied in the same way that most Germans do: "A bit, why?" We talked for a minute and I scanned the beer selection and didn't recognize any of the available brews. I asked her if she had any recommendations for me, and she recommended that I get a beer called Astra, since it was a locally brewed beer. I told her that if she ordered it for me in German, I would buy her drink for her. She happily obliged.

After we got our drinks, she introduced me to her friend who said her name, to which I responded "There's no way I can pronounce that." After a few minutes of talking, I realized that I CAN say her name: Barbara. She said it with such a strong accent that I thought it was just a silly German name. We talked about how much we love Sia and the other music that we enjoy listening to. They couldn't believe that I flew all the way to Germany just to see Sia. I explained that seeing Sia was just a good excuse to go to Germany. Ok, fine. I'll admit it: I've wanted to go to Germany since I did my country report on Germany in 6th grade. Ok, there. I said it.

We took our places near the front of the stage. When I say "near," I mean "3 feet away." As it got closer to the time when the show was supposed to start, more and more people poured in to the relatively small room. And then the lights dimmed, blacklights were turned on, and 5 people came out wearing glow in the dark costumes! Oh, Sia! How I love thee.

Sia performed songs from her most recent album, "Some People Have REAL Problems," as well as some older songs. She even performed songs from her old band Zero 7, in addition to songs from her NEXT album. Pretty freaking awesome. Before she sang her song "The Girl You Lost to Cocaine," Sia made a comment that made me laugh a lot: "And now for a little public announcement, don't fuck with drugs."

She even performed her song "Soon We'll Be Found." In her music video for this song, she signs ASL (or, atleast, attempts to sign in ASL) while she sings. Before she sang/signed the song, she said "And now I'm going to BLOW YOUR MIND by communicating in 2 different planes." She is nuts. Here's the video:

She ended her set by singing the one song of hers that everyone knows, "Breathe Me." It was amazing. I want to breathe her.

Now I'm ready for her to announce her North American tour so I can see her again. PLZHURRYSIAKTHBYE.

Oh, Deutschland

2009-05-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

All of the following things occured today. Yes, they all happened IN THE SAME DAY.

I was strolling along looking for something to eat for breakfast and I bumped into this adorable flea market:

I bought a cute, antique German book for my mother (she collects them) and asked the bookseller where I should get a bite to eat. He recommended I go to a place "about 200 meters" away called Max...something. Maxshueberg? Maxshargenbergzen? I don't know, all I understood him say was "Max." So I set out to find the place he recommended and, to my amazement, I found it! I sat down outside on the cute patio and browsed through the menu on the table. It was ALL in German with no English...at all. I wanted to just open up the menu, point to something, and say "I'll have this please." When the server came over to my table, she said "hallo." I love how the say it in their melodic tone. Anywho, she asked me if I wanted an English menu and I quickly said "YES!"

So...she brought me another menu...but it wasn't an English menu. No, it was a Spanish menu. One step closer, I guess. I thought, "I don't want to piss off a German, so I'll just use the Spanish menu." I know much more Spanish than I know German. So I still wasn't sure what to get...and I still didn't really understand everything on the menu, but I decided to order "käse frühstück." Here's what the Spanish menu said: "panes, 1 huevo hervido, miel, mermelada y mantequilla y con varios quesos." I understood most of that, but all I REALLY saw was "quesos." Cheese. I love cheese. So I told my server what I wanted...and 45 minutes later, this is what I got:

A cheese platter...with a hardboiled egg...and bread. Yeah, I can totally understand why that would take 45 minutes. It was pretty good, but definitely NOT what I was expecting. Maybe they're just not serving bacon right now because of swine flu?

Fast forward a few hours and I'm back at the main train station trying to figure out which double decker bus to hop on for a city tour. I approached a man selling tickets and asked him if he spoke English. He said no, but escorted me to someone who did. I asked about the price, length of the tour, etc. He told me it's 1 hour and 40 minutes, but the buses use a "hop on/hop off" system, so I can hop off at any stop then hop back on when I've seen enough. He also told me that the price is usually €14, but he would only charge me €12 since the tour is given in German. DEAL! I love discounts.

So I "hopped on" the bus and that lasted...oh....a good 45 minutes. I got bored. I didn't understand anything and I was just looking where everyone else was looking. Fake laughing when they would laugh. Smiling at them when they smiled at me with their nasty, yellow teeth. The final straw was when I opened up the Sprite that I bought at a creepy market. The Sprite literally exploded. Sprite all over the place. By the time the fizz settled, I had less than half a soda left. So for that reason, and because I felt like the tour guide was reprimanding me in the not-so-pretty sounding language, I opted to "hop off." Here's what the bus ride was like:

I hopped off at the City Hall, which was a really big, old, beautiful building located near the lake. I walked around...watched the people go by...took a quick tour of City Hall, then bought a bottle of water and went and sat near the lake. There was a sea of people, and they were all smoking. A Chinese girl came and sat next to me and I started making up a life story for her. In my head. I finally got to thinking that if she was born in China, there was a good chance that she would speak English. So I asked her. And now I would like you to meet my new best friend, Vivian:

(this is us listening to Sia on my iPod)
She has lived in Germany for 8 years. We walked around and talked for about 3 hours. She tried to get a ticket to the concert tonight, but it was all sold out. Tomorrow she is going to give me a tour of the city. In English.

Before I met Vivian, I was walking around checking out the shops and department stores around City Hall. While people watching, I noticed a few things about German fashion:

In Germany, you're not cool unless you're wearing:
1. A sweater tied around your neck
2. A massive scarf wrapped around your neck/chin

The following items are not necessary, but will definitely add to your coolness:
- Fanny pack

At one point I sat down on a bench and not too long after, 2 young men sat next to me. After a minute, one of them turned to me and began speaking in German. I said, "English?" He said "erm....erm...." and then started moving his hand in a mock-masturbation motion. I said, "WHAT?" and he did it again. Then the other said "Toilette?" I laughed and pointed them in the direction of the bathroom.

Now, the concert. I don't have time to tell you about it, but it was incredible. I will blog about it later. Here is a sneak peak:

I have to go out on the town! It's 11:49! Party starts soon!

Things that amuse me

2009-05-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

Imagine Svenja's joy when she FINALLY finds something with her name on it!

"Dude, does anyone have an Urlaub???? I need one and I don't have much time!!!!!"

PS I have no idea what an urlaub is.

You may be a butt man, but I'm a....

It's an escalator for your shopping cart! It rides down right next to you. Uh-May-Zing.

Sex shops, meat markets, etc

2009-05-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

I put on my big boy pants last night and decided to go explore Hamburg. It's a huge city; the second largest in Germany. Luckily my hotel is near the City Centre and all of the action! I am pretty close to the central train station, so I can get anywhere relatively quickly:

I would say I'm about....1000 meters away from the subway station. It's so funny how people give me directions and distances using meters. It makes me think. "Ok....1000 meters would be about....3000 feet, right?" No one in the US would say "Oh, just walk about 3000 feet and you'll see it on your right."

Yesterday while walking around, I accidentally came across St. Georg, the gay section of town. What a freaking meat market! Men checking out other men...some just standing around waiting for...well, you know what they're waiting for. I walked through that area quickly, laughing. It was very amusing.

I also came across Hamburg's famous "Red Light District" called Reeperbahn. WOW. I have never seen so many sleezy sex shops and "sex shows" in my entire life. Great people watching though!

While walking down Reeperbahn, I saw these 3 men and I literally RAN to get this picture:

After a long long long long day, I went to a cute restaurant that had a patio and ordered dinner, a beer, and a water. Little did I know I was ordering a cute €5 bottle of water (roughly $6.65). I savored every last drop of that damn water.

Here are some more thoughts:

- I love that I can read German without knowing German. For example: "Laptop Internet gratis fur gaste!"
- Euro dollar bills are way cuter than American money
- All of the German men look gay and all of the German women look like diesel dyke lesbians. My gaydar is so thrown off.
- When I go to www.google.com, I'm automatically redirected to www.google.de, which means all of the links I go to are in German.

Well, I think I'm going to go find some breakfast. The hotel breakfast isn't included in the hotel price...and the breakfast is €14. And I'm NOT about to pay $19 for a continental breakfast. After breakfast, I'll head to the train station and hop on one of those cheesy city bus tours so I can see all of Hamburg's important sights!

I made it!

2009-05-01T08:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Tylenol PM-

Thank you so much for making my 8 hour flight from Minneapolis to Amsterdamn bearable. I could not have done it without you. Unless Vicodin was available.

Sincerely,
Dustin

Flying into Amsterdam:

Amsterdam airport:

I sat next to a really nice guy on the 45 minute flight from Amsterdam to Hamburg. He gave me some fantastic suggestions on what to do while I'm here and where to eat. I made him write everything down for me because he was using words like "Schanzenvietfel" and "Hafenrundfaht." Um...what?

I rode the subway from the airport to my hotel. BY MYSELF. I amaze myself sometimes.

My hotel room in Hamburg. HUGE!

Me. In Germany!

First impressions of Hamburg:

- The landscaping is so green and lush!
- Everyone I've encountered has been very nice and helpful
- Europeans are better looking than Americans...and they dress much nicer, too!
- Wheeling luggage down cobblestone sidewalks is not easy
- I need coffee

I'm going to shower and go explore!

Germany

2009-04-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

WELLL I'm in Minneapolis waiting for my flight to Amsterdam and then my flight to Hamburg, Germany. And it's all for one sexy lady:

I'm SOOO going to see Sia in concert in Hamburg! *piddle*

Just FYI...

2009-04-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

I don't have Swine Flu

YET.

Now what did I do with my SARS mask....?

Kayaking

2009-04-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took Gabe Kayaking down the Rio Grande River (River Big River) in Albuquerque for his birthday. For those of you who are familiar with the city, we started at the Alameda bridge and got out of the water at Central bridge. The ride was really nice, but it ended up being a lot more work than I thought it would be. I imagined a leisurely ride down the river. WRONG. You had to paddle. Which wasn't too bad, until the wind picked up. The wind was blowing in the opposite direction of the river's current, which meant we were almost going backward. Needless to say, my arms and shoulders are sore.

Here are some pictures. ENJOY!

If anyone ever wants to go kayaking, I would go again! It's only $45 to rent a kayak from REI. Please just make sure we do it on a non-windy day. KTHX.

Colorado RID

2009-04-25T18:57:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I drove to Colorado Springs, CO for the Colorado Registry of Interpreters for the Deaf conference. In addition to earning 1.275 CEUs and going to some great workshops, the trip had 3 highlights:

1. Ditching workshops to drive to Denver to see Bash/eat at Benny's/get coffee at Daz Bogs

(did I mention that the weather was really crappy and I could barely see the car in front of me???)

2. Eating CHIPOTLE, which is nonexistent in the state of New Mexico

3. Meeting/becoming best friends with Cheryl Moose, the President of RID

I can only imagine what the highlights of the National RID conference in Philadelphia in August will be. JUST YOU WAIT.

They tried to make me go to rehab...

2009-04-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

I should be put in rehab for my addiction to Frosted Mini Wheats. I used to DESPISE Frosted Mini Wheats, but now I cannot stop eating them.

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!1!!!1!!1111!!1one!!!!!!

Chicago

2009-04-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I don't blog for a while, I get threatening messages from people saying I need to blog or else... *cough* Leah! *cough* Here you go, brats.

A few weeks ago my mom texted me saying she had Spring Break the following week and wanted to play. I think she was wanting to come to Albuquerque, but I was itching to travel so I suggested we go to Florida, somewhere we've never been. Her response was "Me? In Florida during Spring Break? No way!" Followed by a text saying, "Now where did I put that bikini??" Oh, mother.

I used my travel-planning powers and gathered frequent flier miles and got us free flights to Chicago and found a nice hotel near all of the action! We literally left for our trip a week after she suggested we do something. It was great! We got there on a Wednesday and stayed until Sunday. We basically shopped and ate for 4 days. It was amazing. Chicago-style pizza is out of this world. If you ever go to Chicago, you MUST eat at Giordano's. And even though a Medium pizza feeds 3-4 people, get one for yourself and eat it for 3 days. You will NOT regret that decision. Maybe.

Our first day in town, we got royally lost on the subway, went to the Sears Tower, and ate a Chicago-style hot dog.

At the top of the Sears Tower, we asked a random French woman to take our picture, which turned out to be a big mistake. Here's the photo:

Thanks, French lady. No no no no...there's not need to get the large, important buildings in the background of the photo. No really, I insist that you ONLY get the small, unimportant buildings in the picture. Oh, thank you so much.

Our next big adventure was taking a Segway Tour of Chicago, which was probably the coolest thing I've ever done. I was nervous that my mom would fall off the Segway or run into something, but nothing bad happened. Thank Goodness.

I had this picture...

as my Facebook picture for a while, until my friend Rooney said (I quote), "Dustin, that picture is retarded. And it's not even cool-retarded...it's just retarded."

At some point, we bumped into this little gem inside Millenium Park:

Much to my mother's dismay, we took the subway to see Wrigley Field. It was really fun to see, but it was SO COLD. My mother spotted a Starbucks across from the field and suggested we go there to thaw off before we got back on the subway to our hotel.

We also made a pit stop at the very boring, over-emphasized Navy Pier!

We rode the Ferris Wheel then took a cab straight to Giordano's for our second serving of pizza.

On our last day in Chicago, we had a few hours after we checked out of the hotel before we had to leave for the airport, so we decided to go to the John Hancock Building and go to the observatory on the 94th floor. I must say, the view from the John Hancock Building was better than the view from the Sears Tower!

On the observation deck, there is a cafe! Oh what joy! I got to see Chicago AND drink a latte at the same time. After the barista made my latte, I asked "Would you say this is the tallest cafe in the world?" She said, "Uhh...it's the tallest cafe in Chicago." To which I responded, "Yeah, I'm going to pretend that I'm drinking a latte at the tallest cafe in the world. Thanks!"

We also got to see the historic Chicago Water Tower, which is one of the few buildings that survived the Great Fire of Chicago!

I had such a great trip with my mum! Now please help me convince her that we need to go to Australia. KTHXBYE.

Good Friday

2009-04-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

Since I am such a devout Catholic, I thought it would be a good idea to pay homage to Virgin Mary...or Virgin Guadalupe...or Jesus...or someone, I don't really know who. So I took my 1st annual trip to the top of Tomé Hill in Tomé, New Mexico, about 30 miles south of Albuquerque. It was pretty neat and the people were nice, and kind of creepy. People were holding rosary beads and saying prayers as they walked to the top. I was singing Mariah Carey songs.

Here are some fun pics:

I also feel compelled to share this picture, taken at the bottom of the hill:

Please note the 3 vendors selling helado (ice cream) y chicharones (pig skin). Oh, you clever Mexican empresarios (entrepreneurs).

gorgeousity

2009-03-12T23:18:00.001-07:00

I couldn't help but laugh when I was looking through some pictures on my computer and I noticed that I have silly wedding dress pictures of BOTH of my sisters-in-law. Please enjoy.

Before Cory and Kristyn got married, Kristyn and I went to D.I. (Desert Industries, a Mormon thrift store where retards work) so she could try on the trashy, 80's wedding dresses that they had for sale there. I forgot my digital camera that day, so all I have are these crappy cell phone pictures. You can still see how amazing these dresses are:

(Yes, we had a photo shoot inside the store)

Can you imagine buying your wedding dress at a thrift store? Perhaps your toothless mother would say, "Oh, Jenna Mae is just so lucky because she found this gorgeous dress at D.I. It was just her size and since the dress had a red tag stapled to it, it was 50% off. Oh, thank you Lord Jesus." Neat.

Now on to the other sister-in-law, Rebecca. One time we were taking down the decorations from a wedding reception that my mom had decorated, and Rebecca found herself holding an abundance of tulle (the kind of fabric). Since it was white and she was planning her own wedding at the time, I suggested she make a wedding dress out of the tulle and pose for some photos. And she did. If she ever sees this, she will literally kill me. I look forward to receiving an "I hate you" text from her.

Why is my family so neat?

A Review of 2008

2009-03-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

I should have posted this blog 3 months ago, but I did not. Obviously.

2008 was an amazing year for me. I was fortunate enough to do so many incredible things during the 365-day span. Here are just a few of the things!

I became a certified interpreter!!!

I went to Arizona 10+ times!

I saw Leslie Hall in concert!

I went to Las Vegas- twice!

I went to China

I went to Denver- thrice!

I spent a week in the hospital
\
I went on a cruise to Mexico

I held a lion cub!!!

I went to New York

I went skydiving- twice!

I saw Sigur Rós in concert

I saw a live taping of "Chelsea Lately" in LA (this is a pic I stole from Lindsey's blog)

I saw Alanis Morissette in concert

I witnessed The University of Arizona's football team win a bowl game (from the 2nd row)

I rushed the field after The University of Arizona's football team won a bowl game

What a great year 2008 was. 2009 is already off to a great start. I hope 2009 kicks 2008's ASS.

THAT GUY

2009-03-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Starbuck's to get my caffeine fix before going to Sorenson for 7 hours. The girl (or maybe it was a boy? I don't know) in line in front of me was on her cell phone talking REALLY loudly and I wanted to backhand her. She continued to talk on her phone while she ordered. I hate that. She kept telling the person on the phone to "hold up" when the barista would ask her questions. That bitch. NOTE: it had a rat tail...kind of like this:

Next it was my turn and I told the barista that I would like a triple grande vanilla latte, my normal drink. She asked if I wanted to try some new cinnamon pound cake thing, and I told her that I didn't need it; my calorie-packed latte would suffice. She then offered me a free sample. Who am I to turn down something free, even if it has 500 calories??

So I got my latte and ate the pound cake, which was amazing. I brought the empty plate back to the barista and said "You're an evil temptress. That was delicious. Thanks!" and she yelped back "BUY ONE!!!" Buy one? I just ate half of one and it was free and delicious. I didn't need to buy one. I told her I was fine and then left.

The tone in which she said "BUY ONE!!!" made me laugh as I was walking to my car. Then I realized that I was being the creepy guy who laughs when he is all alone, which caused me to laugh even harder.

I then realized that I was THAT GUY.

Big Things

2009-02-12T15:36:00.000-08:00

Last week I was at the New Mexico State Capitol Building in Santa Fe. Because of my incessant coffee/water consumption, I use the bathroom quite frequently. This day at the Capitol was no different. So on my first trip to the restroom of the day, I entered the bathroom on the main floor. In the bathroom were 2 urinals and 2 stalls. Both of the urinals were occupied so I went into one of the stalls (not the handicap stall, because I am polite). Well, I closed the door to the stall and started doing my thing. Someone then went into the other stall and shut the door. Everything was fine and dandy til the man in the other stall started talking to me. Here is our conversation (bear in mind there were atleast 2 other people in the bathroom at the time):

Man (Spanish accent): Hey
Me: I didn't respond to him. Why would I? You don't talk in bathrooms. For all I know, he could have been talking on his cell phone.

He knocked on the partition between the stalls.

Man: Hey??
Me: Um........yeah?
Man: Are you a cop?
Me: Uhh....no...
Man: Good. 'Cause I got a big one for ya.

That was the end of the conversation. I was speechless. I couldn't think of anything to say. I washed my hands and left with haste. What could I say? After having some time to think, I've thought of a few potential responses:

1. No thanks. It's probably not big enough.
2. How big is "big"?
3. Mine's bigger.
4. Ask to see it then say "That's not big."

I didn't say any of these things. I just left.

I can't believe I was offered a big one in the State Capitol Building.

Grammy Awards

2009-02-11T15:19:00.000-08:00

I was really happy to see Adele (uh-dell) win 2 Grammy Awards at the 51st Annual Grammy Awards on Sunday. She won Grammy's for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance and Best New Artist. I enjoy her music, especially the song "Chasing Pavements."

I was a little disappointed when I found out that she is not black. I had never seen a picture or video of her before the Grammy Awards. Based on her voice, I thought she was black. It's no secret that I love black females (MARIAH).

Basically what I'm saying is that I still like her, just not as much.

New Mexico Railrunner

2009-01-04T19:50:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I embarked on an exciting journey! Friends and I took the Railrunner (commuter train) from Albuquerque to Santa Fe. The train just recently started going between Albuquerque and Santa Fe. Since the service is so new, it was still free to the public! And, as it turns out, there were many people as cheap as us who wanted a free ride to Santa Fe. The train was PACKED. We had to stand both ways because all of the seats were full!

Taking the train was a great experience and I think it's something that is much-needed in New Mexico and will be well-used! I'm looking forward to PAYING the $8 for a roundtrip ticket and actually being able to sit for the 90 minute train ride!

Las Vegas Bowl 2008

2008-12-24T10:59:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, David and I embarked on a day full of UA sports. We had 2 games on the agenda for the day: UA/UNLV basketball game and UA/BYU football game (Las Vegas Bowl 2008).

Leah dropped us off at (ok, near) the UNLV Thomas & Mack Center for the basketball game against UNLV. The Wildcats were present in HORDES. It was glorious. There were thousands of UA fans there for the game. Every other thing I heard was "BEAR DOWN!" or "GO CATS!" or "I hate Mormons so lets kick their butts back to Provo and then we can drink some beer and then we can celebrate beating the Mormon team." Things like that. In fact, at one point while I was peeing, everyone in the bathroom starting singing "Bear Down, Arizona. Bear Down, red and blue..." Though, I suspect the UNLV Rebels in the bathroom were not chiming in.

So, despite sitting 3 rows from the top of the arena, our seats were pretty good. And, despite having massive Wildcat representation at the game, Arizona just couldn't git 'er done. David and I were in shock and disbelief, especially considering the fact that Arizona beat #4 Gonzaga the previous weekend. UNLV beat Arizona by 15 points. We were mad at the Rebels. Which resulted in these photos being taken:

Following the basketball game, we drove to the UNLV Sam Boyd Stadium for the Las Vegas Bowl vs. BYU. Oh, the irony of my team playing BYU. Before the game there were "hospitality tents" set up where you could pay $40 to get 2 beers and unlimited food. Many Arizona fans thought this was a splendid idea and spent the $40 dollars. As is evident in this photo:

BYU fans, however, did not see this as a good investment. As is evidnt in this photo:

Being a BYU fan must be painfully boring.

Being the true Arizonans that David and I are, we ate tacos before the game. After coming to an agreement that the tacos were merely appetizers, we then ordered carne asada burritos. And then we went into the stadium to take our seats. Our amazing seats. Our seats so glorious that I cannot even find the words to describe them. So I will use a photo.

That, my friends, is the view from our seats....2nd row at the 50 yard line. On the Arizona side. But, if we were sitting on the Arizona side, why were there BYU fans in front of us, behind us, and to our left? Silly Cougars. This only made us more annoying with out incessant cheering and ringing of the cow bell that David brought along.

Following tradition, the National Anthem was sung before the game. We didn't have a cute Chinese girl lip synch the National Anthem (like they did at the Beijing Olympics because the real singer was too ugly to appear on television). Instead, we had David Hasselhoff. Yes. The Hoff. And he didn't do a terrible job.

After singing, The Hoff gave someone a high five, I think. But I do not see someone who could potentially be a recipient of a high five. Do you?

Perhaps he was just drunk...

It may seem completely random that David Hasselhoff would sing the National Anthem at the Las Vegas Bowl, and it is. Kind of. But it's less random when you find out that his daughter is a freshman at The University of Arizona. I give her another year before she drops out.

The game was great and Arizona kicked some cougar ass. The final score was 31-21.

With about 1 minute remaining in the second half of the game, Arizona fans started coming down to the first few rows of the stadium in order to rush the field! With about 30 seconds remaining, Arizona fans started jumping from the seats down onto the field. We, of course, followed suit. Note the seats behind us:

When the game was officially over, we rushed the field and madness ensued.

(you can hear David's cow bell toward the end of the video)
There was a trophy ceremony and it was a pretty big deal since it was Arizona's first bowl game win in 10 years.

And then we saw the police

and then we left.

I had a sore throat from doing so much yelling/screaming/heckling, but it was worth it. Nothing a strawberry shake from In-N-Out couldn't cure.

Zoo on Wheels

2008-12-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

On Thursday morning, bright and early (neither of those, actually), Leah and I left Albuquerque for Las Vegas, Nevada. I include "Nevada" in that sentence because there's also a Las Vegas, New Mexico, which most people have never ever heard of. But 2 years of living in Albuquerque has made it a habit of clarifying which Las Vegas I'm referring to: the flashy one or the dirty one.

We got off to a slow start (read: I was ready at 8:30, Leah was ready at 9:30). We stopped at McDonald's for a quick, $13 breakfast and then we headed West on I-40! But we were not alone. Leah and I were not the only ones in the car. With us were Cleopatra Evanovich McLaws-Montoya (Leah's dog) and Mikey (Leah's bird). Before the trip, we contacted Cleopatra's vet to inquire about the safety of giving her an antihistamine to make he sleepy during the trip. The vet said it's safe to get her 25mg and if it hadn't affected her after an hour, to give her another 25mg. Needless to say, the 50mg did NOTHING to the beast. She was alert and wanted to sit on my lap THE WHOLE TIME. She did successfully take some 30 second cat naps, but for the majority of the time, she was panting in my ear. That is, when she was not sitting on my lap. For a good majority of the drive, this was the view from my seat:

And, from time-to-time, she perched on the center console:

Mikey pretty much stayed on Leah's head the whole time.

Regardless of the mobile zoo we had going on, the day was beautiful and the scenery was breath-taking. Here are some fun photos!

We stopped in Flagstaff to get gas, use the baño, and to let Cleopatra get some exercise and to PRAY that she pees. I think she has stage fright. She won't pee, poop, or eat if you're watching her. You have to act like you don't notice her and then she'll do her business. It's very strange. Anyway, she finally peed in the snow and she romped around in it. It was cute.

Long story short, we made it safely to Las Vegas (Nevada) and with just enough time to freshen up and drive to the airport to pick up DAVID. It was great to see him. We all drove to a U of A football pep rally, but we arrived...oh....1.5 hours late, so we missed it. But we didn't miss these 50-some-odd drunk Santas:

We ended the night by going to the RIO! buffet and stuffing our mouths long after our hunger was satiated. It was a good day.

Worst Day of My Life!

2008-12-18T15:53:00.001-08:00

This morning I went to Starbucks to get my regular drink: triple grande vanilla latte. Sometimes I get a non-fat latte, but that's only when I'm feeling fat. But today I wasn't feeling obese, so I got the fatty kind.

After I got home, I set my drink on my desk and, in the process of removing my cute brown leather Kenneth Cole messenger bag, the latte was removed from the table and relocated to the floor.

I always had a feeling that Baby Jesus hated me, but this incident has caulked my feeling into place.

DenBURRRR

2008-12-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

On Friday, I flew to Denver to see Ashley! If I was mayor of Denver, I would rename the city DenBURRR. Why? Because it was SO COLD when I was there!

So Bashely picked me up from the airport and we did what any good Arizonans would do: we went STRAIGHT to Chipotle for massive burritos. I happily consumed my whole burrito. We then drove to Bashley's apartment to drop off my crap and "freshen up" before going to THE GIGGLING GRIZZLY. I love the name of that bar. Basically, I love the word "giggle."

Oh! And she also opened up her birthday presents. Which she LUBBED. Note the costume change:

At The Griz, we consumed some beverages and gawked at this amazingly drunk girl:

At one point, she definitely fell out of her chair. She was then shortly CUT OFF...which made her leave. We were sad. Another sad moment of the evening was when we got into the photo booth, and it was broken. So what did we do? We got out my camera and had our own MF photo shoot!

On Saturday, we decided to go shopping at Cherry Creek Mall. Basically,this is a place that I must visit when I go to Denver. The shopping in Albuquerque is pathetic, so it's a relief to go to some decent stores. On the way, we saw this man, who I am thinking about asking to be my husband:

I have several questions for him.

1. When did he see Baby Jesus?
2. How did he communicate with this child...who cannot speak...?
3. Did they use Baby Sign Language?

Which then leads me to this....

And then this....

Back to the shopping, I bought a fun red Puma bag and some cute Lacoste shoes. After about...oh....4 hours, Ashley and Anna were ready to leave. So we decided to do what we are very excellent at doing: eating. We went to BENNY'S for some amazing Chimichangas! Oh, how I love me some chimichanga. We also enjoyed some chips.

After dinner, we went home because a snow storm was brewin'! We decided we'd be better off inside playing Wii! Around 9pm it started snowing...and it didn't stop! When I woke up on Sunday morning, it was -10 degrees and there was a lot of snow on the ground. I got bundled up like this:

I had coffee with Fred and his boyfriend Cyrus. It was fun to see Fred, whom I hadn't seen since he moved from Albuquerque to Denver a few months ago. It was also fun to meet Cyrus.

After that, I went back to Ashley's apartment and made her get up and we went to do MORE shopping. But we had to, of course, dust off a buttload of snow from the car. It was neat and SO COLD.

The shopping wasn't as great as the Cherry Creek Mall shopping, so we went back to Ashley's apartment so I could pack up to get ready to go to the airport to fly home. On the way to the airport, we made a pitstop. Where? Yes kids, we went to Chipotle again. It was so yummy in my belly.

After some sad goodbyes, Bashley dropped me off at the airport. But the fun didn't stop there! Who did I meet up with at the airport? Carter Driggs! How random! I hadn't seen HIM since 2003 when we were still in high school!

We talked about what we had done since high school and how our lives had been going. And, thanks to my flight being delayed, we had more time to talk than we expected. It was good to see him.

On Monday, when I was back in Albuquerque, it snowed...all...day.

This, my friends, is proof that, even though Baby Jesus cannot speak, he certainly does not like me!

This 'n that...na'mean?!

2008-12-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

I'm tired so lets GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

On Saturday, I went to brunch with Gabriel and his friend Jerry. The food was pretty good, but my latte was out-of-this-world. Not to mention ADORABLE. Look!

On Sunday, I had lunch with Kareb, Rhianna, and Kareb's parents at Sandia Hotel, where they were staying for Thanksgiving. I know I've said this one gazillion times before, but I absolutely love the Sandia Mountains. They are breath-taking. Look at the view from their hotel room. It's stunning.

Last night, I went to the "River of Lights" at the Albuquerque Botanical Garden with Gabriel and Cameron. The lights were kind of....lame. But Cameron had just returned from a 3 week trip to China, Hong Kong, and Nepal, so I got to hear about his trip and we had fun comparing stories about China and Hong Kong. Gabriel was bored with us.

And lastly, after lunch today, we were up at the front register of the restaurant paying the bill, when I spotted this little gem:

Apparently Santa Claus and Baby Jesus are besties.

Snow?

2008-11-27T14:46:00.000-08:00

So it's Thanksgiving and I'm at work. I really don't care, for several reasons.

1. I already celebrated "Birthgiving" with my family last weekend.
2. I'm getting paid time and a half.
3. It's cold outside and kind of sleeting/snowing.

Also, if you sent me a "HAPPY THANKSGIVING" text today, there's a 100% chance that I did not respond. Why? Because you also sent it to 300 other people.

Oh, I love holidays.

Dear Germaphobe...

2008-11-24T19:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Germaphobe Who Works In the Same Building As Me-

Hello. My name is Dustin and I work in this building too. I can understand your need to use a paper towel as a protective layer between your hand and the filthy bathroom door handle, but why must you always throw the paper towels on the floor when you're done? When you get back to your office and you have to open the door to get into your suite, that door handle is just as filthy. I hope you get some rare bathroom germ-borne disease.

Sincerely,

Dustin

Wedding/"Birthgiving"

2008-11-23T22:48:00.000-08:00

This weekend I flew to Arizona for Holly Glover's wedding and to celebrate "Birthgiving," a unique McLaws celebration where we celebrated Thanksgiving, Cory's birthday, and Stacy's birthday.

On Saturday, I went to the neat swap meet with my mother and Stacy. Stacy found some cute clothes. Like this shirt:

After that amazing experience, Stacy and I took some bikes over to Tempe Town Lake to go for a nice leisurely bike ride. We were unaware of the fact that there are HILLS around the park. Hills make for a not-so-leisurely bike ride. Here we are on our bikes, though you can't really tell:

Also, on the bike ride, we passed Arizona State University's football stadium. I decided to pose and take a pic by it:

Afterward, Stacy and I went to (fake) Filiberto's. It's not really Filiberto's. It's Aliberto's, but it's similar to Filiberto's. We ordered a lot of food and ate most of it. We felt we could "cheat" because we had just gone on a TEN mile bike ride (including hills!). I went home, showered, and got ready for Holly's wedding reception. Holly looked gorgeous, of course. I even got to see Lindsey there. Yay!

Today, Sunday, was the official Birthgiving celebration. My mom wanted to have "Thanksgiving" while I was in town so we could all be together. The food was great and the turkey was cooked to perfection. Kind of.

After dinner, Cory and Stacy opened their presents. Cory got a really neat present. REALLY neat. A onesie. An adult onesie. From Kristyn. Here's a pic of him wearing it....while riding a bike...on the grass.

And lastly, here's a pic of "the girls" from my family: Kristyn (Cory's wife), my mom, Rebecca (Scott's wife), and Stacy (my sister):

Aren't they all gorgeous?

I had a wonderful weekend in AZ. I'll be back in exactly a month from today for Christmas! See you all then!

Skydiving!

2008-11-16T18:14:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday I took Leah skydiving for her 26th birthday! We had a great time. Leah is officially addicted to skydiving. She can join the club. Here are some pics!

Me looking sexy in my suit:

Leah practicing "skydiving form" on the roller thingy:

Leah taking off for her jump:

This jump was taken in Belen, NM (about 45 mins South of Albuquerque). Jumping this time was much scarier than my first time! My first jump was in Arizona and the airplane was quite large. I would say there were about 14 people that jumped out of the plane with David and me. THIS time around, we went up in a 4 seater plane that actually one had one seat, for the PILOT. The rest of us got to sit on the ground of a small plane that looked and felt like it could fall apart at any minute.

We both jumped and landed safely. We both went tandem, of course. Leah's mother was VERY adamant that Leah NEVER go skydiving. Ever. When I initially asked Leah if she wanted to go, she said "Yes, but my mother won't let me." Well, I finally talked her into going and her mother was NOT informed about what we were doing. That would have been really bad. So after we were both on the ground safely, Leah's mother randomly called. The conversation went something like this:

Mother: Hi sweetie, what are you doing?
Leah: Hi mom. First I would like you to know that I am alive and safe.
Mother: What are you doing?
Leah: I just went skydiving.
Mother: Leah stop it. That is not funny.
Leah: No momma, I'm serious.
Mother: I'm going to slap Dustin upside the head.
Leah: I promise I'll never do it again.

After she hung up the phone, Leah told me, "That was a lie! I'm going to do it again!"

Good times were had by all!

Alanis Morissette

2008-11-13T14:29:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday morning, I flew to Phoenix to see Alanis Morissette in concert at Dodge Theater! My mom picked me up from the airport and we hung out for a bit. Then I went to lunch with my brother. Then I went shopping with my sister. Then I met up with my friend Kenny at Gay Starbucks (Gaybucks) in Central Phoenix. We had coffee and chatted for a bit, then we headed over to Dodge Theater.

We had some pretty kick ass seats: 8th row in the center! The starting "band" was Alexi Murdoch. He was pretty good, but his music put me to sleep. He reminded me of a less-Hawaiin version of Jack Johnson. Alanis took the stage around 8:15 and she performed for a solid 2 hours. You know, she may be little (5'4"), but the bitch can ROCK. I was impressed by her! She did a great set of atleast 20 songs from her whole career. It was a great concert! Here's a pic that I took with my new phone!!!

(This photo was taking during the acoustic portion of the performance. You can see her sitting a little to the left of center.)

Now, Alanis did something very interesting. She didn't just have ONE encore, she had two. TWO. Now, one encore is silly enough in my opinion. I mean, come on. We all know it's coming. I know it's going to happen. The artist/band knows it's going to happen. The rest of the audience knows it's going to happen. Why do we all act so shocked when it actually does happen? The artist comes running back onto the stage and acts shocked that the fans love him/her so much that we stood and applauded for 60 seconds...but the house lights never came on so we didn't really have the option to leave the theater.

Encores are silly, but I guess they're just a formality. But Alanis did TWO?? Come on now. That's a bit excessive.

After the concert, Kenny and I went out to Charlie's and saw some scary drag queens. Then I went home and went to sleep.

On Wed I slept in until about 12:30 then had lunch with David. He leaves for Laughlin AFB in Texas this week. I'm going to miss that kid.

I flew back to ABQ on Wednesday night. It was a short trip, but very enjoyable.

KTHXBYE.

Weekend/Pictures

2008-11-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

This weekend was pretty eventful. Prolly I'm about to tell you about it. RIGHT NOW.

Friday night I went to Kara's Halloween party.

Afterward I went to Sidewinder's where I saw Quincy/Marlene:

Then I saw Dennis and Bobby:

And then Danny and I spotted this scary man, who I will call Jeffrey:

Saturday morning I did the Walk to Cure Diabetes. I was on my coworker's daughter's team. It was pretty fun, especially since there was free food. I also got a free flu shot, which made me feel like CRAP about 6 hours later. Here's a pic from the walk (Sandia Mountains in the background):

Sunday morning I slept in...for a long time. I slept for one hour longer than I normally would have been able to! Today was Daylight Savings, which I think is totally dumb and pointless. Arizona is smart for not participating. Oh, Arizona. How I miss thee.

Sunday afternoon I went to the T-Mobile Store to get me one of them Google Phones (G1). I was sad to hear that the stores don't carry them because they sell out so quickly. So I placed an order and got overnight shipping, so my G1 should be in my hands on Tuesday...or Wednesday, at the latest. YAAYYY!!!

Sunday evening I went to the Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) parade in the South Valley in Albuquerque. It was great fun! I went with Gabriel and we met up with my coworker Karen and her daughter Rhianna. Here are a few fun pics from the parade:

I had a great weekend, but now I'm tired. And guess what?
SLEEP > YOU

Goodnight.

Guess What?

2008-10-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

And I'm not going to tell you for whom I voted. But I will tell you for whom I did not vote:

The end.

Hi, well I'm smiling.

2008-10-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at Sorenson was green chile meatball day. Today is Photo Shoot day. The secretary (Meagan) and I have a weird obsession wiht Leslie Hall. If you like her, then I like you. Anyone who dedicates their life to the preservation of Gem Sweaters is, in my eyes, a true gem. Here are some pics of Meagan and I showing off our newly acquired Leslie Hall shirts. They are amazing.

Yes. That is Leslie Hall riding a cat.

If you've never heard of Leslie Hall, you're truly missing out. She is icredible. She does really good things for this world. Here is a pic of me and her in 2006 when I met her. I was so honored...and morbidly obese.

If you feel compelled to learn more (which I'm sure you do), visit her website at http://www.lesliehall.com/.

Also, if you want to prank call her, let me know. I have her number. MUHAHAHA.

Albuquerque

2008-10-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

As all of you know, I love Albuquerque. It's such an amazingly beautiful place. Here are 3 pics I've taken over the last 2 days. Sorry about the poor quality of the photos. I took them with my Sidekick camera.

New Mexico definitely is The Land of Enchantment.

Oh, and one last picture that I took (and edited). This is the Zia symbol, which is on New Mexico's state flag:

"Quarantine"

2008-10-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

Earlier this evening, I went to see the movie Quarantine. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a big fan of going to the movies. Sitting in a room with strangers for long periods of time....not my thing. I generally start to think about things I should be doing instead of sitting in a theatre doing absolutely nothing. As you can imagine, I don't go to movies often.

Quarantine gave me a headache and a stomach ache. It was filmed in the "home video" style where the camera is all over the place (think Blair Witch Project). I wish I had taken some Dramamine before I went into the theatre. I was ready to vomit when I was walking back to the car. Luckily I didn't.

The movie had some scary moments, but all-in-all, it was pretty lame. It was only good for the jump-out-and-scare-you moments. They say that good movies should leave you with some kind of lasting effect. The only lasting effect I had from Quarantine was nausea.

Here is my verdict:

O RLY?

2008-10-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

This always brightens my day. I hope it brightens yours.

LOL.

The Neat Economy

2008-10-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received my 401(k) statement in the mail. I nearly shat myself. The economy is so neat right now and I lost a lot of money this past month. Rad. I blame the bad economy on one person:

Yeah. I said it.

Also, this is my current obsession:

The T-Mobile G1 (aka Google Phone). I want one. Right now. But, I am afraid to not have a Sidekick any more. I've had Sidekicks for 3 years now. WWMCD? (What Would Mariah Carey Do?)

Mariah Poster

2008-10-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

Here are two pictures of the aforementioned (two-sided) MC poster that Hector stole for me from the gay bar!

Thanks, Hector. I owe you big time.

Did I mention that I'm ready for Mariah to announce her E=MC²tour dates??

California

2008-10-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday while my mom and sister were in town, I received an email from E! saying there were tickets available to see a taping of Chelsea Handler's talk show, Chelsea Lately. The only problem was that the show was the following Thursday. So basically I had 4 days to book a plane ticket, get a hotel room, set up a rental car, and take the time off of work. So, by Monday afternoon, I had everything worked out: flight, hotel, car, and work.

I left ABQ for LAX on Wed at 4:30. Landed in LAX, got my bag, took the shuttle to Enterprise, got my rental car, and drove toward the hotel. By this point it was about 7pm and yes, there was a traffic jam. Gotta love LA. I was so glad I got a GPS thing for the car. It saved my ass. Several times.

That evening after I showered, I went to Old Town Pasadena with my friend Hector. We ended up eating at Buca di Beppo. It was aight. The bread was hard. Then I went to my hotel and stubbed my toe on the bed. Then I went to sleep.

On Thursday morning I woke up early and drove to pick up my friend Lindsey to go to the studio to see the taping of Chelsea Lately. After battling traffic for 2 hours, we go to the studio ridiculously early. 3 hours early. We were the only people there. So we decided to walk and eat at a restaurant called Lemon Moon. It was overpriced and not very good. And Lindsey threw some cabbage into the bushes. We went back to the studio. Waited for a long time. Saw how fake TV shows really are. And it was a fun experience. Lindsey wrote a good blog about it, including photos. Click here to read it: http://lindztut.blogspot.com/2008/10/chelsea-lately.html

On Friday I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain, which was amazing. I love that place. Like, more than I love Mariah Carey. Ok, not more than Mariah. Never more than Mariah. So I had a blast at SFMM with Chelsie (Jeby), Deanna (Deeanna), and Morgan (Morty). My favorite rollercoaster was X2. Check it out:

Twas insane. I had a blast though. I want to go again. Soon. Who wants to go???

When I got back to my hotel room around 9:30pm, I felt crusty. I felt like Carrot Top had thrown up on me and then I let it dry for a few hours. It was gross and I wanted to shower. So I took a very glorious shower. Afterward, Hector and I went to a gay bar called Executive Suite. Executive? No, it sure wasn't. It was quaint though and I had a great time. The best part was all of the Mariah Carey posters hanging in the joint. Gays love Mariah. It's a fact of life. Just like...Mormons love scalloped potatoes. Hector stole a Mariah Carey poster for me. I think I'm going to frame it. Or turn it into a shrine. Or something like that.

I flew back to ABQ on Saturday. I didn't want to. But I had to be back in time for the flamenco performance for which Leah and I bought tickets. I will write about that incredible experience some other time. KBYE.

New Mexico

2008-10-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum in Santa Fe. Written on the walls in the museum were quotes by Georgia O'Keeffe. There was one that hit me...hard. It explains exactly how I feel about New Mexico. Here it is:

"When I got to New Mexico that was mine. As soon as I saw it that was my country. I'd never seen anything like it before, but it fitted to me exactly. It's something that's in the air--its different. The sky is different, the wind is different. I shouldn't say too much about it be other people may be interested and I don't want them interested." -Georgia O'Keeffe, 1977

"Georgia O'Keeffe and Orville Cox, Canyon de Chelly National Monument, Arizona 1937"